Gentle Hands, Growing Minds: The Montessori Approach to Hitting and Kicking

One of the most common concerns we hear from families at Evviva Montessori is, “What happens if a child hits or kicks?” Our response begins with two priorities: safety and teaching. Hitting, kicking, biting, and pushing are stopped immediately, but we do not treat these behaviors as evidence that a child is “bad.” Toddlers are still developing the language, impulse control, emotional regulation, and social understanding they need to navigate frustration successfully.

Why Toddlers Hit

Physical aggression during toddlerhood is not unusual. Research has found that behaviors such as hitting, kicking, biting, and pushing can emerge early, increase during the toddler years, and then generally decline as children's language and self-regulation become more sophisticated (Tremblay et al., 2004; Côté et al., 2006).

This helps explain a familiar toddler contradiction: a child can know the rule “gentle hands” and still hit five minutes later. Knowing a rule and having the neurological ability to follow it consistently are different things. Executive functions—including impulse control, attention, working memory, and behavioral regulation—develop gradually throughout childhood (Zelazo & Carlson, 2012). The Center on the Developing Child at

Harvard University similarly describes self-regulation as a set of skills strengthened over time through relationships, experience, and practice.

A toddler who hits may be angry, tired, overstimulated, excited, unable to communicate quickly enough, or simply overwhelmed by a social situation. Understanding the reason does not make hitting acceptable. It helps adults respond in a way that actually teaches the child what to do instead.

Safety Comes First

At Evviva, a guide intervenes immediately when a child attempts to hurt someone. We might gently block a hand and say, “I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts.” If necessary, the children are physically separated.

The limit is clear: you may be angry, but you may not hurt another person.

This reflects an important Montessori principle: freedom exists within limits. Children have considerable freedom to choose activities, move through the environment, communicate, explore, and work independently, but freedom does not include interfering with another person's safety.

The child who was hurt also receives immediate attention and comfort. Understanding the developmental needs of the child who hit should never mean overlooking the experience of the child who was hurt.

Discipline Means Teaching

Maria Montessori viewed early childhood as a period of extraordinary psychological construction. In The Absorbent Mind, she described children as gradually developing movement, language, independence, social behavior, and ultimately self-discipline through their experiences.

That distinction between discipline and punishment matters. Punishment asks, “What should happen to this child because they behaved badly?” Developmentally informed discipline asks, “What does this child need to learn so they can handle this differently next time?”

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends positive discipline strategies including clear limits, redirection, reinforcement of appropriate behavior, and consistent expectations rather than physical punishment, humiliation, or shaming (Sege & Siegel, 2018).

This does not mean there are no consequences. If a child repeatedly throws a hard object, the object may need to be removed. If two children are escalating each other's behavior, they may need space from one another. Effective consequences are connected to safety and the situation rather than designed simply to make a child feel bad.

From Hitting to Communication

Once everyone is safe, we help the child find another way to communicate.

A guide might say, “You wanted the truck. You were angry. I won't let you hit.” Depending on the child's developmental level, we might model useful language such as “My turn,” “Stop,” “Move, please,” or “Help.”

This is particularly important for toddlers because language provides an alternative to physical action. A child who cannot efficiently communicate “I was using that,” “You're too close,” or “I need help” has fewer tools available when frustrated.

We keep the language simple because a distressed toddler is not ready for a lecture. “I won't let you hit. You're angry. Say ‘help’” is usually more useful than a lengthy explanation of why hitting is wrong.

Redirection, Not Shame

After stopping the behavior, we redirect the child toward what they can do. Depending on the situation, that might mean using words, moving away, asking a guide for help, taking a quiet moment, stomping safely, pushing against something appropriate, or engaging in purposeful movement.

The goal is not to eliminate anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. The goal is to help children gradually discover that emotions and actions are different: I can be angry without hurting someone.

This process often involves what developmental researchers call co-regulation. Before young children can consistently regulate strong emotions independently, they rely heavily on responsive adults. A calm adult helps contain the situation, provides language, maintains the boundary, and stays nearby while the child's nervous system settles.

Over hundreds of experiences, children gradually begin doing more of this work themselves.

The Montessori Environment Matters

Behavior does not occur in isolation. At Evviva, we also look at what happened before the hitting.

Was the child hungry or tired? Did it happen during a transition? Was another child repeatedly entering their space? Was the classroom unusually busy? Did two children want the same material? Was the child struggling to communicate?

Instead of simply becoming stricter when a behavior repeats, we try to understand its pattern.

Montessori environments are intentionally designed around predictability, purposeful activity, movement, choice, and consistent routines. Angeline Lillard, in Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius, connects these characteristics with research concerning motivation, attention, executive function, independence, and self-regulation.

Research examining Montessori education has also reported encouraging academic and social-developmental outcomes (Lillard & Else-Quest, 2006; Lillard et al., 2017). A 2023 systematic review and meta-analysis found positive Montessori effects across academic and nonacademic outcomes overall, although—as with most educational research—results and study quality varied (Randolph et al., 2023).

None of this means Montessori children never hit. A carefully prepared environment supports development; it does not eliminate toddlerhood.

Children Learn by Watching Us

The adult's behavior is part of the environment, too. Children learn how people handle conflict partly by watching the adults around them.

If we respond to aggression by shouting, threatening, grabbing, or humiliating, we create a contradiction: we are using intimidating behavior to teach children not to use intimidating behavior.

Instead, guides model the regulation we eventually want children to develop. We speak clearly, move calmly, intervene firmly when necessary, and treat everyone involved with dignity.

Maria Montessori's idea of Grace and Courtesy extends this social education throughout everyday classroom life. Children learn how to approach another person, ask for something, wait, observe without interfering, respect someone's work, offer help, and gradually resolve ordinary conflicts.

Gentle hands are part of a much larger lesson about how we live with other people.

What About Saying “Sorry”?

We are cautious about turning apologies into a mandatory script. A toddler can be ordered to say “sorry” without understanding what the word means. If every conflict becomes “hit, say sorry, go play,” the apology can become a ritual rather than an expression of empathy.

Meaningful repair develops gradually. A child might help rebuild something they knocked over, retrieve an item, check on a friend, bring a tissue, or eventually offer a genuine apology.

Research on prosocial development suggests that helping, comforting, and concern for others emerge surprisingly early but become increasingly sophisticated throughout childhood (Eisenberg, Spinrad, & Knafo-Noam, 2015). We do not expect adult empathy from a two-year-old. We create opportunities for empathy to grow.

Gentle Hands Take Practice

At Evviva Montessori, discipline means teaching. When a child hits, kicks, pushes, or bites, we stop the behavior, protect the child who was hurt, maintain a clear boundary, provide language, redirect, and help the child regulate. Then, when necessary, we teach the lesson again.

We also avoid turning behavior into identity. A child who hits is not “a hitter.” A child who bites is not “a biter.” These labels can transform temporary developmental behaviors into identities. We address what happened while continuing to see the whole child.

Our goal is not simply for children to learn that hitting gets them in trouble. We want them to gradually recognize emotions, communicate needs, respect other people's bodies, tolerate frustration, repair relationships, and discover that they can control what their bodies do.

Gentle hands do not develop overnight. They grow through clear boundaries, patient guidance, responsive relationships, purposeful activity, and countless opportunities to practice caring for others.

References & Further Reading

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. InBrief: Executive Function—Skills for Life and Learning.

Côté, S. M., Vaillancourt, T., LeBlanc, J. C., Nagin, D. S., & Tremblay, R. E. (2006). The development of physical aggression from toddlerhood to pre-adolescence. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 34, 68–82.

Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Knafo-Noam, A. (2015). Prosocial development. In Handbook of Child Psychology and Developmental Science.

Lillard, A. S. (2017). Montessori: The Science Behind the Genius (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.

Lillard, A. S., & Else-Quest, N. (2006). Evaluating Montessori education. Science, 313(5795), 1893–1894.

Lillard, A. S., Heise, M. J., Richey, E. M., Tong, X., Hart, A., & Bray, P. M. (2017). Montessori preschool elevates and equalizes child outcomes. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 1783.

Montessori, M. (1949). The Absorbent Mind.

Randolph, J. J., et al. (2023). Montessori education's impact on academic and nonacademic outcomes: A systematic review. Campbell Systematic Reviews, 19(3).

Sege, R. D., & Siegel, B. S. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112.

Tremblay, R. E., et al. (2004). Physical aggression during early childhood: Trajectories and predictors. Pediatrics, 114(1), e43–e50.

Zelazo, P. D., & Carlson, S. M. (2012). Hot and cool executive function in childhood and adolescence. Child Development Perspectives, 6(4), 354–360.